I Tried Holding On But It Kept Floating Away
by Loosely Divided
Summary: One Winchester woke up...the other didn't.


_**Boom... Boom... Boom...**_

He floated in the realm between consciousness and unconsciousness, feeling as if he were trapped by a thick heavy blanket.

_**Boom... Boom... Boom...**_

A far-off pounding assaulted his senses. He felt disoriented, and wished he could open his eyes, move around, but his arms and legs weren't obeying. He was confined in his own body.

_**Boom...Boom...Boom...**_

Drums, or at least they seemed like drums, resounded and reverberated in his head. He tried to shake his head, to free himself of the disturbance, but it was futile, he couldn't move, no matter how hard he tried.

_**Boom... Boom...**_

Finally, it clicked in his head. The booming sound was his heart, beating, sluggishly pumping blood through his veins. But the sound was becoming quieter and quieter, and as it did, faint murmurings swam through the deep layers of blackness, quiet and barely audible.

It was a voice, becoming ever clearer, louder, but he couldn't quite make out the words...

_"SAMMY!"_

The single word pierced his...Sam's?...mind. His brain wasn't functioning quite well enough to process the meaning of the word, but the sheer panic, the worry contained in that single name... that, Sam could understand.

Suddenly, his head ached and he strained to move his limbs and speak, reply; he knew only one person who would cry out the name with such desperation, or indeed cry the name at all.

Dean.

Sam wanted to remain in the void, free from all the pain above the darkness, but he knew he couldn't leave Dean alone.

He just... couldn't.

_"Come on, Sammy! Don't you give up on me!"_

The words muddily reached Sam, the fear behind them all too prominent.

Sam heaved forward, pushing with great effort through the layers, throwing himself towards the voice that was begging him to wake up, but there was only so much he could give. It felt like he was trying to swim through mud, thick cold black mud that pushed against him, trying to trap him in his dark, peaceful sanctuary.

Sam kept on moving, agonizingly slowly, until he had nothing.

He had hit rock bottom, sinking down through the muddy void, and he didn't even a drop of energy left.  
But still, he found a faint determination, and he kept on pushing, shoving through the murky darkness and reaching deeper within himself, deeper than he ever knew he could go.

Up. Up. Towards the surface. Towards Dean.

Towards life.

He could do it. He just needed to push a bit more. One more push. Just... one... more...

But for all his efforts, the attempt was doomed to fail. Sam grew more and more exhausted, until he had forgotten why he was pushing to wake up, why he would surrender this comfort, this blissful oblivion, for the hardships of life, for his earthly troubles, for the pain that surely awaited him on the surface. No, Sam simply didn't understand what it would accomplish...

He no longer heard Dean's voice.

He no longer heard anything.

Except...

that distant, ever so distant sound of his thumping heart.

_**Boom... Boom...**_

Sam couldn't go on anymore. He didn't _want_ to go on.

_**Boom... Boom...**_

He sank back into the void.

_**Boom... Boom...**_

_"Why...,"_ Sam thought to himself sleepily, blearily. He couldn't collect his thoughts, his memories.

_**Boom... Boom...**_

...he had forgotten why he was trying to wake up...

...he had forgotten why he was fighting to push through the veil...

...he had forgotten that his brother was yelling and shaking him, begging, pleading him to wake up...

_**Boom... Boom...**_

...he had forgotten Dean.

_**Boom... Boom...**_

He let himself fall, deeper and deeper into blackness, deeper until he was simply floating in the inky void, his mind empty of all thought, any feeling, any memory at all.  
The only thing he could hear was his heartbeat, growing steadily fainter as his life slipped away, as he let his life slip away.

_**Boom...Boom...  
boom...**_

It no longer held any meaning to Sam. It was merely a sound, snaking into his mind rapidly and then withdrawing just as quickly, leaving no trace. Once it was gone, there was nothing in Sam's mind, nothing at all, until the next heartbeat came and went, erasing itself from memory as soon as it left.

_**boom...**__boom..._

Sam was simply watching himself die without sparing a second glance, making no effort to stop it, listening to his own fading heartbeat, unconcerned, uninterested.

_boom...  
boom...  
boom..._

The sound reverberated in his sleepy mind, echoing hollowly and without meaning. Then it faded away slowly, leaving Sam completely empty until the next beat came.

_boom..._

And the next.

And the next.

_boom...boom..._

He faded deeper into oblivion, awaiting the next beat.

It never came.

**A/N**

**So...this is my first fanfic ever. **

**Reviews are love 3 **

**Many thanks to my friend Jessica for beta-ing**


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